For want of a nail

Well..if there was any doubting it, I've come to the resolution that Iraq sucks, just as much as it did the last two times I was over here. However, in a concerted effort to figure out ways that I can stay connected with everybody at home, I invite you guys to all give some, if not all, of the following a try - just for kicks.

1. If you frequent any locations less than 5 miles from your house, walk there from now on. No driving. Walk everywhere. Should you actually have to drive somewhere, find at least three winter coats, put them all on, and fill the pockets with rocks. Then fill a backpack with rocks and put that on. Untwist a coat hanger until it's straight, shove it in the backpack until it sticks out of the top (radio antenna). Then get in your car and drive wherever you have to go, without adjusting the seat for comfort.
2. Should nature call, find a refrigerator box and cut a door in it. Place some books on the floor of the box to anchor it, put a bucket in the middle of the box, fill it with water/blue food coloring - there you have your toilet. Do not empty said bucket for at least four days for good measure. Leave yourself exactly 15 squares of toilet paper for the week.Make it last, people. Two-ply paper counts as two squares! No cheating!
3. Should you grow tired...troll the neighborhood for someone in the midst of moving their home, hopefully you'll find one of those nifty "PODS" moving containers in their yard. Grab a sleeping bag and a small pillow, get a little lamp, and crawl inside. For some reason you find two or three other people in there who you don't know. Make some space for yourself. Close the door to keep out the wind/rain/exploding mortar rounds that sometimes land in your general vicinity. Sleep for 3 - 4 hours a day. Stay up for 2 days straight at least once a week.
4. For your morning grooming routine, invite the entire block to your bathroom. Get everyone to line up for a shower behind you in towels and flip flops. Hop in the shower, turn on the cold water. Rinse for 30 seconds. Turn off the water. Lather up, rinse off. Repeat once. Hop out. If there are more than 8 people in line, the last two don't get a shower since you must run out of water at number 5. Sucks to be the dirty kids. Once you get done, walk in flip flops through some mud (distance between the showers and your bunk)...just so your feet are dirty again, and ready to put on some nice clean socks.
5. Tape a hair dryer to your belt (pistol). take it everywhere you go. tie the power cord to your belt. Every time you walk into a building, take the hairdryer out, inspect it to make sure it's empty (no bullets), show someone that it's empty, and walk into the building. Sleep with the hairdryer next to your pillow.
6. Eat strange food. Stop eating anything fresh, period. Buy powdered milk, and reconstitute it with cold water. Put this on your cereal in a little bowl for breakfast. Try to convince yourself that it tastes like real milk. Forget what real milk tastes like. Start to like the taste of reconstituted milk.
More to come folks....